dinner for one.

Lately I have been spending a lot of time on my own.

Some days it feels really good, liberating even. Like I’m exactly where I’m suppose to be. Other days each inhale and exhale is painful. I’m getting the 5 month itch. That itch to reach out to my ex. I keep telling myself I have to make it to 6 months. I have to make it to 6 months. I just gotta. The last time we broke up, this is around the time I texted him “I miss you” and we started up again. So I keep telling myself if I can just make it past that point where I broke last time then……..I don’t know. I just want to make it past that point. Maybe I want to prove that I’m stronger this time around. That I’ve learned my lesson twice. Maybe I want to prove it to him and to myself and to God. Mostly to myself I think. I let myself look at some old pictures today of him, of his cat, …. and had a nice cry. Par for the course. Healthy even I’d say.

There’s something really powerful about being on your own. I like it - I really do. I loved my ex so much. Still do. But there was a part of me that always knew I’d be single again. And I’m glad - it’s a special thing in a lot of ways. At least that is how I feel tonight.