the banalities of breakups

I miss you, I miss you, I miss you. I love you, I love you,

I love you still.

I write it here because I can’t write it to you. I can’t say it to you anymore.

It’s been two weeks now. And the tune goes a little something like this - sad, forlorn, wishing, sleeping, praying, hope briming, more sleeping, checking myself out in the mirror - rinse, repeat. Our relationship was heavy, with lots of laughter and pain. I’ve been preparing myself for this breakup for the entirety of our relationship. I still remember the moment I knew I’d started to fall in love with you and my instant reaction was, “We gotta break up.” But I kept coming back, I kept biking the 7 miles from my house to yours. Cushioning one crisis after the next. There were walls I couldn’t scale. And it felt like a never ending hole that I kept throwing my love down, all the while screaming down to hear my own echo. I’m doing my best to lean into the sad waves that crash over me while at the same time trying not to fall in love with the melancholy of it all either. I can do that. Fall in love with sadness. It’s easier then trying to change my mindset or look for love in places where it will come back to me.